Are you sick of eggs after eating twenty eggs every morning just so that you can get enough Vitamin B12 to stave off crippling fatigue and depression?

hashtag egg — **Fig. 1:** The average human being eats 584,000 eggs during their lifetime. That's nearly *three and a half thousand kilometers* of eggs: enough to invade Poland.

Are you tired of forcing down six hundred bananas every month to satisfy your body's tyrannical potassium requirements¹?

Thousands of bananas outside the temple of the British Prime Minister, Sir Geoffrey Goodhead — **Fig. 2:** Thousands of bananas laid as an offering outside the temple of the British Prime Minister, Sir Geoffrey Goodhead. Sir Goodhead, the patron saint of the *Curse of Food*, is said to descend from heaven to anoint the most devoted worshippers with the seven secret oils of British government², forever freeing them from the loathsome imposition of food.

Are you repulsed by hideous variety and colour of foodstuffs available?

Girl is terrified of food... so green... — **Fig. 3:** We don't know what this is. But you'll probably have to eat a shitload of them in order to reach the minimum daily intake of some mineral you've never even heard of.

Did you know that within just 3,500 years everyone on earth will have been killed by dangerous wood-burning stoves³?

Are you searching for a solution to the misery of food?

Then you search no longer, friend:

Soylent is here!

SOYLENT is the quasi-nutritional food replacement substance designed to eliminate once and for all the repulsive demands of your body.

Jumping for Joy! — **Fig. 5:** One of our many happy customers, liberated from the horror of preparing 21 fucking bastard meals EVERY WEEK.

SOYLENT means:

NEVER AGAIN sit through boring meals, pretending to have an emotional connection to the people around you
NEVER AGAIN be confused or frightened by the colours and noises of food
NEVER AGAIN struggle to compose a nutritious and filling diet on your punishing $85k salary
NEVER AGAIN worry about keeping up with the latest ethical food fads: with Soylent in your fridge, you'll be BETTER THAN EVERYONE, FOREVER

SOYLENT strikes a deadly first blow for humanity in the war against Maslow's oppressive heirarchy of needs.

Maslow's Heirarchy of Needs — **Fig. 6:** By eliminating the need to eat, we diminish the time spent in *useless social congress* eating with 'friends', 'family' and 'coworkers', and maximize our potential as sentient beings. Up next: kiss goodbye to friendship, family and sexual intimacy.

Say goodbye to solid bowel movements!

SOYLENT frees your body from the tyranny of food and food-related activities, freeing up valuable time to be spent on more productive activities:

Fundraising for the Seasteading Institute
Reading Ayn Rand's classic philosophical novel, Atlas Shrugged
Gamifying your startup's UI
Reading Ayn Rand's classic philosophical novel, The Fountainhead
Purging yourself of all emotion in the Vulcan ritual of Kolinahr

Excited about SOYLENT? Click here to learn more!

^{1.Even if you do manage to eat enough bananas to survive for another month, as any schoolchild knows, bananas are highly radioactive. Any mutations you develop as a result of banana-eating must be hidden watchful eyes of the High Inquisitor and his cruel disciples, lest you be cast out into the wasteland to die.}

^{2.First formulated in 1783 by William Pitt the Elder Jr., the seven secret oils of British government are olive (for peace), rapeseed (for agriculture), coconut (for cleanliness), peanut (for allergies), eucalyptus (for justice), soybean (for war), and spearmint (for fresh breath).}

^{3.According to the World Health Organization, every year two million people are killed by a wood-burning stove. None of us have ever seen a wood-burning stove except Charles, who went to Tibet on his gap year. Apparently they're frightful}